Ed,

Thank you for sharing this with us, I can tell you have thought and felt deeply about this. I too thought what Jeff did while reading your post. I can see why you would call into question everything Jodie told you while you were working so closely, but I don’t think her actions necessarily negate the learning that happened in the meantime.

Jeannette is right though, this decision is ultimately yours to make. Confronting her brings up even more intensely all the feelings surrounding the whole situation, yes, but does the closure you could get outweigh that? While I’ve had an experience where I felt my mentor failed me (years back), it was not nearly on the scale that yours is. I chose not to confront her but I do still think about it years down the line and wonder if I should have.

While I can’t tell you what to do, I think given the chance (geographically and other), I would probably want to sit down with my old mentor and talk through what happened between us.

Good luck Ed, you know we support you either way.

I understand your betrayal. My father suffered from a gambling addiction in secrecy for a long time. When my family found out, we were shocked and hurt. I realize the forgiveness process I had to go through was different because he was my father, but an addiction is a huge thing in someone’s life. And I am sure she can use your support. I know it’s not something to easily recover from, but her theft because of her addiction does not mean that she didn’t care for you or for her students. Anyway, thank you for sharing.

Ed,

When your mentor, or even a mentee, doesn’t perform the way we believe they should it is a shock to our systems. We tie our identities into one another’s so tightly that when they falter, so do we. Your continued feelings of shock and confusion are a natural part of grieving a significant disappointment. I really empathize with you.

I would agree that it is important to sort out what value visiting Jodie would hold for you. What questions do you have? What feelings do you need to resolve?

Another thought – what effects would it have on Jodie to see you? Would it help her to heal as well? How important is that to you?

What if you go, and it only leads to more strife – is that an acceptable outcome to you also? On the reverse, if it went well, would you want to reopen the relationship? What would that mean?

I realize I’m giving more thoughts than an actual “what would I do” – but I’d have to agree Christopher Lawrence. What I would do isn’t necessarily what you should do. But I applaud your desire to explore and process your feelings – it’s a hard decision to make, when it’s so tempting to just avoid it.

I know how you feel about wanting closure versus wanting to forget and move on. I worked at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas in the Moyer Student Union from 1997 to 2001. Michele Taylor, my supervisor and mentor, always put 100% of herself into everything she did. We worked so closely together that some students thought we were married.

During the July 4th 2001 holiday, I received a call at 2 a.m. from Michele. She had had a fight with her husband about recent infidelity with his ex-wife and his desire to leave Michele to return to his ex-wife. She was distraught and we talked for a time until she seemed calm enough to go to bed.

On the 4th, I received a mid-morning call from Michele’s husband. When he had woken up that morning, he found Michele dead on the couch. She had consumed a large quantity of alcohol and approximately 75 sleeping pills.

I saw a therapist for a year and transferred to another position within UNLV Student Affairs. My last conversation with Michele haunted me. In the end, I was able to forgive her for leaving me in such a way and to forgive myself for not doing more for her.

The forgiveness of sins is my greatest struggle. It’s certainly easier to “Let It Be.’ But the freedom I’ve felt from setting down the baggage of hurt and betrayal has allowed me to truly move forward in my life.

I wish for you the peace that comes from forgiving.

Ed,
Thank you for sharing. I struggled with something similar early on in my career. Instead of prosecuting, my institution chose to let the person resign (the amount of money was significantly less). That person is now a Student Union Director at another institution. I am challenged because I know they stole from my undergrad institution, betraying all those they had mentored, they continue to work in the field and their current institution probably has no idea of their past embezzlement. I often wonder what I would do if I ever came face-to-face with this person again…

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Kristen, thank you. I'm ready to move on now and thanks to the many folks who have contacted me today through numerous channels, I know I'll be able to do this. I'm with you still, I'm really skeptical about following though with the visit, so I'm carefully weighing my options and will make a decision soon. Thanks again for re-connecting with me here! I hope you're doing well.

Thanks Cindy, I think I may just do that. I appreciate your comment and help, as always!