Life Lessons on Post-It Notes

April 3rd, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (3 Comments)

I wish I could write more eloquently about the experience of having a terminally ill parent, but the words have always evaded me when I sat down to write about it. There are moments I wish I could capture, some beautiful and some torturous, not only because they are a part of my life, but also because I believe they could help someone else.

I went through a phase last summer after my mother transitioned to hospice care of wanting to understand anticipatory grief, the months and years of illness preceding a loved ones death. I found used books on the topic (we’ll chat some other time about the dark humor of buying used books on grief). All of the stories were tender and beautiful and referred to dying as a “transition.” I couldn’t stomach more than ten or fifteen pages of any one of them before I launched the book across the room into a wall, which often made me feel better than anything I’d read. These were not families to whom I could relate.

The part no one tells you or talks about or writes about is that the entire process is messy. There are highly charged moments of family members hanging up on one another, there are periods of siblings not speaking to one another, there are moments of other people’s insensitivity that make you want to claw your eyes out. There are moments where an entirely family laughs together over a distant memory, where friends reveal themselves as heroes. There is nothing constant or consistent except the complicated nature of being in this state. I jot down lessons I’ve learned on Post-It notes and use them as tangible reminders later when I need them.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve learned what I anticipate will be the most valuable lesson I will take away from this — forgiveness of myself. I left work unexpectedly two weeks ago to be with my mother and family, and had to forgive myself for all of the things left undone during a busy time. I argued with my brother while there, and had to forgive myself for letting the stressful situation make me less of a sister. I pushed friends away who I needed, and had to forgive myself for not being able to tell them what I needed most. After returning home, I had to forgive myself for not being able to stay longer. I’m learning to forgive myself for not always operating at 100% because there are so many things pulling at my time, energy and heart.

I will never have the words to wholly capture this journey. I hope I always have enough words to remind someone else going through this they aren’t alone. And I’ll always have my collection of Post-It note lessons to muse on later.

 

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The Story of the Lemon Cupcakes

March 22nd, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

During a team building activity last week with colleagues from the other regional campuses in the Indiana University system, I was asked what I wanted to be when I was little and if I accomplished it. I shared with my partners for the activity my dreams of being a journalist, which first manifested when I started a class newspaper in the fifth grade. The newspaper covered more than the news of Plain Center Elementary School; I wrote op-ed pieces about the Gulf War. Looking back, I can see how much my writing technique has improved, though my politics have changed little (I may have been the world’s most liberal ten-year-old). I do feel as though I have accomplished this goal. I’ve been fortunate to combine my career in student affairs with my original plans of journalism through blogging and writing for professional organizations.

Thinking about it on the way home from Indianapolis, I realized I’ve often (rightfully) given my father credit for my writing skill. He read to me bedtime story after bedtime story (and later listened as I read story after story to him), instilling in me an appreciation for the written word. What I’ve only recently come to appreciate is that my writing technique would be nothing without the love of story telling that so clearly comes from my mother.

My mother is the kind of person you invite to a party because she captivates people with her stories. Others hang on to every word of  her adventure, whether it’s the recounting of her trip to Savannah or an incident while renewing license plates. Her quick wit, humor and pacing lead to a completely satiated audience who feel as though they were right alongside her.

I planned to use this blog post to share my lemon cupcake recipe because it’s been oft requested in the past week (and I will — promise). But I realized my mother would also want me to tell you the stories of my journey to being even slightly competent in the kitchen. I could give you the recipe and act as though I’ve been gifted with a golden spatula. That would be a lie. My journey to having a recipe that is requested over and over again at parties and potlucks was a messy one. She would tell you about the time I was making a double batch of brownies and doubled everything except the brownie mix, leaving a soupy pan of batter in the oven to warm but never bake. She would want me to tell of the time I set the oven on fire while preheating it. She would insist on your knowing that I once made Jell-O that never congealed because the water I used wasn’t hot enough. She would tell all of these stories not to embarrass me, though my cheeks are flushed even remembering these incidents, but to demonstrate the humor of my learning.

Without further ado, the lemon cupcake recipe:

  • 1 box yellow cake mix
  • 4 eggs
  • 3/4 c. oil
  • 3/4 c. lemon juice
  • 1 small box instant lemon pudding mix

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix all ingredients well. Fill lined cupcake tins 2/3 of the way full. Bake for 20-25 minutes.

In a small bowl, combine:

  • 1 c. confectioner sugar
  • 2 tbsp. lemon juice

Dip cooled cupcakes into lemon glaze. Let glaze set before serving.

 

Like story telling and baking, my love of lemon also comes from my mother. It was my privilege a few years ago to share this recipe with her, the first she ever requested of me.  Have a cupcake, share a story and enjoy.

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Both Sides Now

March 13th, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

For better or worse, I mainly use this little corner of the Internet to reflect and share my thoughts on student affairs. My career is certainly important to me, but because I focus so much of my energy on my full-time job, my blogging and the professional organizations with which I’m involved, it’s easy to shelve the other pieces of my life. They are no less important; in fact, in many cases they bear greater weight on my daily life.

It has been almost a year since I shared publicly via another blog that my mother is ill. I rarely write about it and only occasionally even discuss it with those closest to me. The past year has seen ups and downs, including her decision over the summer to stop treatment and transition to hospice care. But don’t let the word hospice fool you – she’s active and traveling, still having sleepovers with my four-year-old nephew, and hasn’t missed an opportunity to nag me lovingly.

But what strikes me about the past year is how my identity has finally, after much struggling, absorbed this role as daughter of a sick parent. It’s present in every moment of my day, every day, even when I’m not conscious of it. I see it in the way I respond to my cell phone ringing unexpectedly midday, it changes what I watch on television and the books I read, it changes my friendships with those around me.

Two of my friends identify with this part of my life more than anyone else in my social circle. We’ve formed an exclusive club of the saddest sorts around this common experience. We share the difficult moments, find the levity in the lighter moments, reach out to one another and respect when one of us needs to back away for a bit. This experience wasn’t what brought the three of us together; it’s one of many threads that keep us connected to one another.

One of those friends, K, has been on my mind a lot this past week as his mother’s health recently declined. He left early this week to be with her and his family. I sent him a quick note upon finding out he was leaving and then later in the week sent him a text message to tell him I was thinking of him – because I honestly was (and still am).

Watching someone you love go through this makes you feel helpless in a way you never anticipated. Being on both sides of this experience gives me new perspective.  I understand how strong the desire is to reach out to a friend, but at the same time feel grossly inadequate to say or do anything meaningful. I also know how important those phone calls, text messages and e-mails are, and at the same time feel grossly inadequate to respond appropriately when they are received.

I’m planning to write more about this part of my life over the coming days, weeks and months. I hope it doesn’t deter my student affairs friends from continuing to visit. Actually, I hope it inspires more of them to let others see who they really are and the other pieces of their lives that form their identity.

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Just Dance: Celebrate Your Achievement

March 9th, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

I recently assumed responsibility for a task area of a project. The instructions for the task were shared with me via Google Doc several days ago, and I laughed at the last directive:

Dance because you still got it!

After going through the step-by-step instructions this morning and successfully completing the task, I did a little dance in my office chair per the instructions (I’m a rule follower).  What a great moment of celebration — we should all find a chance celebrate the little moments of victory and accomplishment more often.

 

How will you celebrate your own achievements today?

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Making You Better

March 2nd, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Over the weekend, a dear friend provided me with feedback I knew in my heart, but needed to hear from someone else. I joked at the time that she was staging an intervention, but the longer I’ve thought about what she told me, the more her words mean to me.  And the moment reminded me of this quote from Randy Pausch, most famous for his “Last Lecture.”

“When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.”

I’m blessed to have people in my life who offer candid, insightful reflection of who I am, where I’m going, and the potential I have to grow and change. I’m taking the offered feedback seriously and making some significant changes as a result.

What aren’t you telling someone in your life that could help them become a better version of themselves?

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Looking For Me?

February 10th, 2011 | Posted by The SA Team in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

Looking for my blog? I recently moved to my own domain. Please update your RSS feeds and come visit me at my new site, http://stacyloliver.com

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school” – Neil Gaiman

December 21st, 2010 | Posted by Bryan Koval in #sachat - (1 Comments)

One of my favorite things about the end of the year is the preponderance of lists about everything possible during the previous year.  I spent a good hour yesterday afternoon poring over the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly analyzing their lists of top movies, books, and television shows from 2010 and listening to tracks from NPR’s list of the top 25 albums of the year.  These things tend to be fairly arbitrary, but I’m a sucker for them.

As many members of the #sachat community know, I started a new student affairs position in July, after being at my previous institution (and alma mater) for the previous 5 years.  It has been a whirlwind of a semester, and in the spirit of the end of the year I’ve written my own Top 5 list of things that I’ve learned.

1.  Understanding students is not a universal ability. At my previous institution, my rapport with students became second nature.  It was really easy to relate with students and start a conversation, even about challenging situations or topics. In my new position, though, it has been a challenge for me to connect with students.  I’m still learning about our students and what makes them unique.  I’ve been second guessing my skills in this area, but it’s getting better as I learn more.

2.  Sometimes starting over helps you to remember what it’s like to be a student again. I’m not exaggerating when I say this: I think I enjoyed orientation as much as our new first-year students.  It was invigorating for me to learn many of the traditions at my new campus.  I spent the first few weeks of school with the same nervous feeling in my stomach that I had when I started college as a student.  It may sound silly, but not knowing acronyms or where buildings are really helped me put some of my work with residence hall students in perspective.

3.  Trying something new can be invigorating. I’m not saying I was phoning it in at my old institution, but with time and experience comes the ability to get really comfortable with your tasks and projects.  Starting something new, with challenging responsibilities that I am very excited about, has resulted in me feeling energized about my work in a way that makes me excited to go to work each day.  I’ve enjoyed applying my critical perspective to my new department (in appropriate ways) and trying lots of new things.  It has been refreshing.

4.  You’re only as strong as your network of friends and colleagues. One of the best parts of starting this new gig has been the outpouring of support and help from friends and colleagues.  I’ve leaned on my contacts regularly for answers and feedback.  Knowing that help is only a phone call or tweet away is an awesome safety net, especially when you are doing your best to make a good first impression at the new job.

5.  It’s not all about work. Starting over in a new city has helped me to think more about maintaining a sense of balance between work and everything else.  With this move I’ve also had the complication of living apart from my partner, which has been difficult to navigate. It would be easy for me to say yes to everything and work 70-hours a week, but I have tried to be disciplined and spend time reconnecting with family and friends in the area, exploring the city, and staying connected to everyone in the town I moved from.

I don’t think that these are lessons that can only be learned by picking up and moving to a new institution.  Reach out to students who are outside of your bubble.  Take a step back and reconnect with the student experience while forging new relationships with colleagues.  Ask to try new things at work (or better yet, start doing the things you are excited about on your ‘someday, maybe’ to-do list).  And perhaps most importantly, keep things in perspective and surround yourself with the people and activities that bring balance to your life.  Happy holidays!

Learn Local!

October 18th, 2010 | Posted by Bryan Koval in Uncategorized - (2 Comments)

I’m sending this update today from the Annual Conference of the Pennsylvania College Personnel Association (PCPA). For this year’s conference, I was the chair of the programming committee. We’ve got a pretty incredible line-up of presentations this year, if I do say so myself.

The conference theme is “Navigating Change,” and as I think about this post, I think about the ways that professional development has changed in the short time I have been in the student affairs field. While I have really enjoyed the decentralized, always “on” nature of the Student Affairs Collaborative Blog and the #sachat community, I have also found a lot of value in building connections with my local division of ACPA.

When I entered the field I wasn’t aware of the major professional organizations, and I certainly wasn’t self-assured or self-motivated enough to reach out to these groups and get involved in their work. PCPA, however, was a small and inviting organization. It made it easy for me to network with other professionals from across the commonwealth and to get my feet wet while presenting at conferences. I never imagined I would sit on an executive board or serve as a mentor to other young professionals. I have had all of these opportunities, thanks to PCPA and the great folks who have reached out to me in this organization.

In this era of limited professional development funding, take a look at what your local and regional organizations are offering and see if they could be a part of your PD plan. If #sachat and the Student Affairs Collaborate blog are awesome, free PD opportunities, think of your local organizations as awesome, low-cost opportunities to get out of your campus bubble and make connections in your area.

Now, even different blog duties

September 15th, 2010 | Posted by Gary Alan Miller in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

My office has launched a new website, repleat with two blogs and feature stories. As such, I’ve zeroed out my blogging on other sites and will pretty much be focused on that site for now. Visit us at http://careers.unc.edu.

Everybody’s Working for the Weekend (But Not Everyone Spends Those Weekends Taking Classes)

April 13th, 2010 | Posted by Bryan Koval in Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

If you are considering part-time (or full-time from a distance) doctoral work, you’re going to want some flexibility at work.  I’m fortunate to work in a department that has been very supportive as I have started my doctoral work.  One of the common themes in my cohort is that we have been able to successfully navigate the balancing act with work and school, and this is really essential because of the unique arrangement of a primarily distance-education program.

If you are at a place in your career where you are essentially your own boss, negotiating for flexibility in the workplace may be fairly simple to achieve.  If you are an entry-level professional or a mid-level manager, it may take a little bit of work.  Here are suggestions that I believe have helped me to find this balance.

  • Include your supervisor in the graduate school application process.  During my 1x1s with my direct supervisor, we periodically talked about my academic goals and the things that I was working on.  My supervisor knew where I was applying and basic information about timelines.  As the process moved along, I think my supervisor felt a sense of being invested in what was happening, and became another source of insight and support.
  • Include your graduate work as a formal part of your staff review and development plan, if such a thing exists at your institution.  Each year I include my academic work as some of my goals for the upcoming year.  Time spent on coursework is included in my professional development hours. By having this formally in place, it allows for a certain level of transparence between myself and the institution. It demonstrates to the department that I am making progress.
  • Get creative with resources at your institution.  My best personal attempt at this is related to getting time out of the office for class.  In Student Affairs at Penn State, we are allowed out of the office for approximately 4 hours per week if we are taking a class, and this is time that we do not have to make-up.  Since I don’t attend a weekly class on our campus, I have negotiated with my supervisor to allow me to “bank” this time each week, and apply it to the Thursday and Friday of my monthly weekend in Virginia for class.  It is a huge relief to not have to take vacation time each month for class.  Find other similar policies at your institution and see if you can make them work for you.
  • When you are at work, be at work! I’m really committed to maintaining an exemplary level of performance at my job.  I would not be OK with my colleagues or supervisors feeling that I am slouching off at work since I am so focused on my academics (we’ve all had those people on our teams, and it’s not fun). Work comes first from 9 to 5 (and sometimes before and after that).  I’m not going to say that I never read or work on papers at work, but those tasks never take priority over my job responsibilities.

It’s not perfect.  I’m still working through what it means to balance work and school, and I am sure it will change a lot when I get started on my dissertation.  Next time: time management!